pallor
by cheadsearc
Summary: fat little traitor. can't even drag herself up the stairs. tripping over her own weight :: words of strangers often dig daggers deeper than those of a friend :: lavender brown and being pretty :: trigger warning: eating disorders :: for the twelve days of christmas challenge, tgs forum, prompt #1 :: hints of lavender/ron


**_written for the golden snitch forum_**

 ** _challenge:_** _12 days of Christmas_

 ** _prompt:_** _1._ _Partridge in a pear tree: Write about a character who is physically unhealthy_. (traditional carol)

 ** _points:_** _5_

 ** _character:_** _lavender brown_

 ** _word count:_** _1236_

* * *

 _/pallor/_

 _\- an unhealthy pale appearance -_

* * *

Lavender Brown quelled the nausea that made her stomach roil in revulsion as she hurried down the corridor. _Just a little longer,_ she thought. _Just a little longer and I can let go._

Through her blurry eyes she spotted the door to the girls' washroom. Pushing it open, Lavender blindly stumbled into a cubicle and leaned over the toilet bowl, retching and crying as she emptied her stomach of her lunch.

The stench of vomit surrounded her as she sank to the floor, red-eyed and fearful. _It was not letting go._

* * *

 _Lavender remembered the first time she felt the madness surround her. It was in third year. Everything was going wonderfully, she could finally take up Divination as a subject, Mum and Dad were actually speaking instead of screaming and Lavender was_ happy _._

 _Until_ that _evening._

 _Lavender left the Great Hall. The Halloween Feast had just ended, and she was pleasantly full, a bit sleepy and wanted to make her way back to the dormitory as soon as possible._

 _She groaned at the prospect of taking the main corridor back to the Gryffindor tower. Peeves was at his troublesome best and had begun pelting every single student who passed by that corridor with Dungbombs and water balloons filled with a liquid that was disgustingly slimy and smelly. Perhaps it would be better for her to take a shortcut._

 _Deftly stepping behind a gargoyle, Lavender made her way up the winding staircase of the tower that served as a shortcut to the Gryffindor corridor. In her first year at Hogwarts, the spiralling length of the stairs made her dizzy, but now she was quite used to it. The wind whooshing through the narrow slit windows was the only sound she could hear, until…_

 _"Oy,_ traitor _!" A nasally voice called out from the dark landing that lead to the fourth floor. Lavender grimaced. She should have known that she wouldn't be alone._

 _She refused to respond, preferring to scramble up a couple of steps but she fell and scraped her knee._

 _Her cheeks, which had paled with fear, suddenly shone a bright red with embarrassment and she stifled a cry. She would not be weak._

 _The person in the shadows laughed, along with a few others. "Look, the fat little traitor can't even drag herself up the stairs without tripping over her own weight!" She felt her cheeks burn, and the tell-tale sign of tears pricking her eyes._

 _Mustering what dignity she had left, she climbed the remaining few steps up to the tower, under the predatory gaze and cackles of the faceless Slytherins who would change her irrevocably._

* * *

 _Lavender pushed her food around, trying to pretend that she was eating something, because Parvati was watching her like a hawk and she didn't want another onslaught of questions from her and Hermione._

 _But every time she spooned her porridge, every time she lifted her fork, she heard the cackles, the derisive voice…_ Fat little traitor… Can't even drag herself up the stairs… Tripping over her own weight…

 _She felt the bile rise in her throat._

 _Quickly excusing herself, Lavender ran up the stairs, barely holding in the rising tide, tears streaming down her face. She didn't care for Parvati's shouts, for Hermione's hand at her arm, pleading for her to stop._

Fat little traitor. Can't even drag herself up the stairs. Tripping over her own weight…

* * *

 _Third year passed into fourth. Lavender distanced herself from everyone, even Parvati. She couldn't let them see her like this – an overweight girl who ate entirely too much and had thick thighs, wide hips and chipmunk cheeks. Ugly and fat._

 _Mum and Dad were back to screaming and throwing priceless heirlooms at each other. Lavender just shrank into herself as she witnessed the spectacle – her entire family was falling apart into ashes._

 _When Lavender left for London, throwing the emerald Floo powder into the fireplace, all she could see were her mother's tears and her father's rage as he squeezed her hand as though he might break it._

 _When she settled into her seat at the Gryffindor table, her stomach already revolting at the sight of food, she heard, rather than felt the shift in the people around her._

What happened…

She looks so different…

Something's wrong…

 _Parvati, seated next to her, glared all the whispers down. But that didn't prevent her from throwing a glance at Lavender herself._

 _Lavender hated being under their scrutiny. It made her feel insecure, vulnerable, naked._

 _She donned a smile, gave Parvati a reassuring look and swallowed a bite of treacle tart._

(She had no intention of keeping it down.)

* * *

 _Lavender surveyed herself in the mirror. Dark circles under her eyes, lips tugged downwards and thin._ Thin…

 _Lavender smiled._

 _It was working._

 _She could_ finally _be good enough._

 _She washed her face in the sink, applied a quick glamour charm to hide the imperfections on her face and walked out, a slight smile gracing her lips after what felt like years._

 _She was so lost in her own thoughts and conflicts that she did not see the person heading towards her and collided with him with a sudden oomph._

 _"Hey! Look where you're going will you?" Ron Weasley's voice demanded. She blushed and mumbled a quick sorry before making her way back to the Gryffindor tower._

 _A few hours later, the same redhead was standing before her and the awkwardness emanating from him was so tangible that she felt rather sorry for him._

 _"Did you want something, Ronald?" asked Hermione, who had joined her and Parvati for an all girls' night. She rarely joined them and looked distinctly uncomfortable in their midst._

 _"Um… well, yes, you see – that is – er –"_

 _"Get to the point, Ron!" Hermione snapped. Ron jumped. Parvati and Lavender stifled a laugh._

 _"Um, Lavender dropped this in the corridor before, and er, I wanted to return it?" He handed her the bracelet that Lavender always wore in the memory of her grandmother. A Brown family heirloom. Dad would throw a fit if she actually lost it._

 _"Thanks, Ron!" she beamed at him, with relief. Ron looked a bit star-struck, but mumbled a_ 'Welcome' _and went back to his seat next to Harry._

 _Lavender felt her heart beat a little faster. His awed look had actually made her feel_ pretty, _for once._

 _"He's rather sweet, isn't he?" she asked the girls. Hermione just scoffed while Parvati gave her a knowing smile. Lavender ignored them and stared at the oblivious redhead who was now groaning over his homework. Perhaps she could help him…_

* * *

Lavender heard the giggling voices of a couple of girls enter the bathroom. Probably Romilda and her flock of groupies. So _perfect,_ so _pretty,_ weren't they?

She was never enough, she would never be enough. How could she compare to _perfect_ Hermione Granger, so beautiful and intelligent? How could _she_ – fat, ugly and unworthy, hold anyone's attention for long?

She did blame Ron for leading her on, but not for the reason he probably left her.

 _Imperfect._

 _Fat._

 _Ugly._

Unwantedly, those callous words echoed in her head again.

 _Fat little traitor. Can't even drag herself up the stairs. Tripping over her own weight…_

* * *

 _{little miss imperfect}_

 _{how could she ever think that she compared?}_

 _{she was just a flickering light}_

 _{fading away in the shadow of brilliant flames}_

 _{one day someone will notice}_

 _{but does someone care?}_

* * *

 **not exactly my best work but i intend to put a message across - you are beautiful the way you are, no alterations, no changes because beauty is only skin deep and it's not your weight, size, colour, appearance, or _anything_ about how you look that matters. it's only what's inside your heart which makes you beautiful. you are beautiful and lovely and everything good. succumbing to anorexia, bulimia or any such eating disorders is _not an option._ love yourself. not some idealistic being you want to become. bulimia, which lavender develops in this story is not only a physical illness, but affects your mental and emotional health too. often, it goes unnoticed, to the point where the victim has to be hospitalized. as i said before you _don't need to change yourself to make yourself pretty!_ you already are! **

**also, a note on the _traitor_ part. lavender brown belonged to a blood traitor family, who i imagine would be hated amongst purebloods. i know that lavender and ron had like, zero interaction before they started snogging each other silly in the common room, but i like a little depth to relationships, so there you are. :)**


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